What I felt in Mecca during Umrah..

Photo by Izuddin Helmi Adnan on Unsplash

I can’t tell about all these people, but I am sure about myself, ‘I am confused’. I recently came back from Mecca after performing Umrah. I was told about the shockingly amazing experience one experiences on the first sight of Kaaba. I was unable to find the spiritual lift that would bring me to tears and crying. It was just another normal experience; of a mix of curiosity and amusement. But to say, I went down crying in shock, would be wrong. I did not experience it.

3 or 4 days are down and I am unable to get the spiritual shock to reset my internal self. No shocks, jolts and movements. All days of stay in Mecca were normal days. I performed umrah thrice and moved to Madina.

Madina experience was again similar to Mecca. There were no spiritual lifts, but routine rituals, obligations and prayers. In my 14 days of trip to Mecca and Madina, last year in November, I did not get the feel I wanted. I did not break in repentance. My prayers were routine prayers. I, however, had gained a traveller’s experience of finding historical places and uniqueness of these two cities.

Why did I fail to grasp the might of Mecca and Madina?

May be, I am wrong here. But I believe all the earth is similar. The pyramids in Egypt to temples in Tibbet have nothing more spiritual and magical than the town I am living in right now. I believe, we cry in Mecca only because of our want to cry. We try to connect dots and weave links to revive what it was like in Prophet’s era and we shed few tears here and there. It is a normal reaction to witnessing places of gigantic value. We find the links and connections to our beliefs. We try to connect the dots to bring the emotional-self out. But, in real, all these places are just like any other place in this world.

Did I grasp anything during my trip to Mecca and Madina?

I found the most important ingredient I had always wanted in my life. I was soul searching at times. I would ask my teachers and colleagues but no body had the answer. I thought it is the lack of answer that is keeping myself from completely entering into Islam. I did not believe entirely and I had doubts in my heart. The religion and life were two different subjects. I perceived, subject of Islam is difficult whereas the subject of life is easier. Such thoughts would cross my mind to keep myself from embracing any of the two subjects. It was a feeling of lost, never ending struggle to bring myself back on the track. I was failing.

The ingredient I found in Mecca and Madina was ‘the realisation of the lack of answers’. I realised this entire world is stone and dust. It is all similar. One place does not surpass the might and majesticness of another place. I found, Mecca and Madina are no different than Pakistan. These are places just like all other places on earth.

I realised, it is myself who matters the most in my world. The ‘myself’ will make some places Kaaba, some places pyramids and some places temples. It is ‘myself’ that will be held accountable. No one is there to protect me from ‘myself’, not even Kaaba. No one is there to bring me to hold, as I will be falling. I am nose diving into my own destruction. Madina and Mecca did not bring me to halt. Therefore, no thing bigger in the world will be able to keep me from falling. I concluded; It is only me, who will defeat me, to save me.

I found the meaning of the hadith of Prophet (PBUH)

Prophet (P.B.U.H) said to his companions when they returned from a military campaign, “We have come back from the lesser jihad to the greater jihad.” They said, “Is there any greater jihaad than jihad against the kuffar?” he said, “Yes, jihad al-nafs (jihad against the self).”

Mecca that can change me

The haram that will shake inside of me to bring me back to the path of Quran, is not in Mecca or Madina. It does not exist anywhere else but inside me. The mecca residing inside my-self needs to be covered with a purer cloth, cleaner floor and a broader window. This mecca of ‘self’ needs to be found to shake inside of me. No Haram and No Madina but the nafs. No protection from others but to protect self. No success from others but to jump myself. This is what I found in Mecca. This is why I am running zakatlists to unite muslims, in’sha’Allah..