Finding God

I did not know there exists a God. I prayed during my childhood believing my parents might be right. Later in my teenage, I said my prayers because I wanted to clear my exams. I was praying out of doubts, thinking I might go to hell. The concept of hell was so fearful it made me stick to the mosques. I really never knew there existed a God. The moment I went to mosques, it was some guy reciting Quran all out loud. The first 2 rakkahs of prayers were always sober, longer and easier to match the pace. The last 2 rakkahs always gained speed. Matching the speed of our imams was also confusing.

Now I have entered my adulthood. I am 32 years old. I believe God exists. He is out there somewhere. But where is He? When will this quest to find Him finally complete?

These are some questions that shake me every now and then. Everyday going to mosque for Quran class, I ask myself where is God and when will I be meeting Him?

Do I get answers to these questions?
No. I do not know. I really want to know about my Creator but how do I find Him.

Does it make me a disbeliever? Does it make me ineligible to enter paradise?
May be, I go to hell. But again is there really a hell.

Who claims this world?

I do not know the owner of this world. It might be evolution of life. Matter transforming into bigger particles converting into elements that make a monkey and finally makes me. There might not be any world after this life. This life and nothing after this life. I really do not know what has happened before my birth. Most things I listen in history are lies and then again most of them are fabricated truth.

Stephen hawking rejected the existence of God in his final book.

"If you like, you can say the laws are the work of God, but that is more a definition of God than a proof of his existence,"
- Hawking wrote.

It all originated from a little speck that generated trillions tons of energy to create a bang named big bang. Nature is there but nature only describes God, it does not prove there is a God. We need proof, right in front of us where God is talking and re-affirming us of His existence. Even if He is there, why does not He end our sufferings. Why God is so selfish?

Did I waste my time in mosques all my childhood?

I believe, yes, I did waste my time in mosques. I used to recite Quran to some bearded guy who sat beside me while I dodged the verses to finish the lesson sooner. Sooner I could get rid of this teacher and I could get back to my normal life.

I did not find anyone telling me of God’s existence around us. I only was told to ”not ask questions”. Asking questions will take me out of my religion and a bigger fire, a bigger hell is waiting for me. These are difficult questions and God does not answers everything. I was told:-

“He wants our ultimate submission and nothing else. He is powerful, mighty and huge, challenging His authority can harm me.”

In short; I was told it is dangerous to find Allah. I should sit back and listen to what this bearded guy says. I do not really have the freedom to find Allah by myself.

Is it alright to ask questions?

I just did say all my heart out. These are the questions that bothered me recently. Most of these are still in my heart.

Who do I go to ask these questions?

There is no tolerance among us to listen to these questions. Who should I go and ask without getting labelled blasphemous or ignorant. I do not find a way to reach to answers in our mosques. Our libraries do not have religious scholars. Good scholars are also not approachable.

Why I am reading Quran?

This book has eased my life a little. My relationship with me wife has improved. I am feeling calmness in my routine affairs. Speech is also improving every day. In short I feel I have the energy it is needed to find Allah. If this book is so claimed to be true, I might find Allah. If this book is not real, I will not find Allah. I will go to some other book and start looking again.

According to Quran when will I find Him?

The house has windows and doors. The windows of the house have to be opened to let sun light enter the house. The interior will only stay healthy if the doors open, exhaust fans work, routine maintenance is done.

If I am the house and I want to get the sun light, I will need to open the windows for light to enter. Without opening these windows and routine maintenance I will not get the light.

The window is refraining from lying all day, beating the kids, hurting neighbours, take drugs. Refraining from anything that distorts image of reality will only take me away from light. Window will not open and I will not find God.

According to all the religions in the world, there is goodness connected to God. Pick hinduism, they believe we need to be good to people around. Gandhi was a Hindu who said

Happiness is when what you think, what you speak and what you do are in harmony.

I am only opening the windows of my house because Gandhi influenced millions. He was a great leader always speaking of equality and humanity. Just like Gandhi, all great leaders and righteous people focused on becoming better human beings.

When will I find Allah?

I might not find Him in this world. It is possible. But I will not die repenting I did not try. I will try to be a truthful person and read Quran daily. If there is a God, I will find Him. If there is none, I will not.

Following verses are said to be revealed during the battle of Uhud. Muslims were vehemently opposed from fighting the battle out of city of Madina. 1000 Muslims moved to the fields of Hejazi where 300 returned, not so convinced to fight 3000 Meccans. The remaining 700 bore severe losses. As these 700 fighters returned homes, they were mocked by the people who returned to Madina. “We asked you to stop, do not fight the majority, you fought and you lost”.

O you who have believed, do not be like those who disbelieved and said about their brothers when they traveled through the land or went out to fight, "If they had been with us, they would not have died or have been killed," so Allah makes that [misconception] a regret within their hearts. And it is Allah who gives life and causes death, and Allah is Seeing of what you do.
- Surah Al Imran verse 156

According to Quran

I will find Allah only when I will get out of my home to find Him. I will bear hardships, stresses and failures. I will stick to the goodness preached by Gandhi and Quran. I will stick to it and believe in God preached by all world religions. One day He will come right in front of me. That day might make me stop running and eat the fruits of my hardships.

Then after distress, He sent down upon you security [in the form of] drowsiness, overcoming a faction of you, while another faction worried about themselves, thinking of Allah other than the truth - the thought of ignorance, saying, "Is there anything for us [to have done] in this matter?" Say, "Indeed, the matter belongs completely to Allah ." They conceal within themselves what they will not reveal to you. They say, "If there was anything we could have done in the matter, some of us would not have been killed right here." Say, "Even if you had been inside your houses, those decreed to be killed would have come out to their death beds." [It was] so that Allah might test what is in your breasts and purify what is in your hearts. And Allah is Knowing of that within the breasts.
- Surah Al Imran verse 154